Without Him
by WithinTheTrenches
Summary: Song-fic: Lucy by Skillet..."He did not understand why the world would be so cruel, and shine on, and live on, when he was a complete mess. Every day was hard. But today was especially horrible." When you've had everything, how can you live without it?


***Hello again, fellow readers. I have brought you a new gift. This darling song-fic story is based on "Lucy" by Skillet. There really is no place for this in the Mortal Instruments-verse. Just something I decided to write…Happy reading and I hope you enjoy this one. Review if you feel inclined to do so. I'm not making you. But they **_**are**_** very nice to read. **

***I want to personally thank DisturbingEmily for the one and only review I received for my not-so-good AU story, Within Tragedy. So thank you. Your review was appreciated. **

***Disclaimer: I do not own any of this material besides the idea of merging the lyrics of Skillet with the characters of The Mortal Instruments.**

***This is a really good song. I hope you listen to it. **

***Approximate Word Count: 4,182**

Lucy by Skillet

_Hey__ Lucy (Alec), I remember your name  
>I left a dozen roses on your grave today<br>I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away  
>I just came to talk for a while, got some things I need to say<em>

The sun was shining brightly, barely a cloud in the sky. The forecast called for seventy-one degree weather and sun. It was.

He did not understand why the world would be so cruel, and shine on, and live on, when he was a complete mess. Every day was hard. But today was especially horrible.

The warlock swallowed hard as he pushed past his sickly feeling and tears prickling his cat eyes. Gently, he kneeled down in the grass. It was halfway through autumn, so leaves scattered the ground. Casually, Magnus pushed the red and brown leaves from the tombstone, revealing older flowers and a laminated picture that he stuck there a while back. He set a fresh dozen roses there; red for their love, white for innocence and purity, and black because he knew it was Alec's favorite color.

"H-hey," he whispered, barely able to speak. "I hope you don't mind me pestering you, darling. It hasn't been very long since our last rendezvous, but I thought it would be nice to…"

Nice to…what? Alec was gone. There were no "hanging out", no "conversations", and no nothing ever again.

"Be together again," Magnus settled for, even though they really weren't "together". Sitting next to this tombstone with Alec's dates and name etched into it made him want to cry right there, but it also brought him a sense of peace. If he closed his eyes tight he could picture Alec sitting right beside him; it was the most he will ever have, and he took what he could get.

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her (h__im)  
>I'd give up all the world to see<br>That little piece of Heaven looking back at me_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her__ (__him)  
>I've gotta live with the choices I made<br>And I can't live with myself today_

"Everything on my end is holding up okay." As soon as he spoke those words, Magnus knew he was lying. And he felt guilty about it. But was he really going to go to a grave and tell the person there how miserable he is when said deceased person obviously has it worse? At least Magnus was alive. Even though, a lot of days he wishes he was brave enough to end his own life, considering nobody else would. He wanted desperately not to feel the pain, or the numbness, or receive the sympathetic stares any longer. The warlock had nothing to live for anymore, not since he finally felt the feeling of true love, not since it was ripped from him.

"That is not completely true, dear. I…" He had no idea where he was taking this one-sided conversation. "I cannot lie. I never could. Not to you, anyway. I feel miserable without you. I would give up anything just to wrap your adorable Shadowhunter butt in my arms again." Magnus breathed for a moment, dragging in precious oxygen. "I'd even give up all my glitter," he said to illustrate how serious he was. "And my favorite rainbow skinny jeans you loathed so much."

He continued to cry then, since he could recall all the times Alec squirmed away from those pants. One time, when Alec was passed out, Magnus snapped a pair of them onto Alec, although Alec never knew that, which made him feel guilty that he never got a chance to tell the Shadowhunter that detail.

"I will never forgive myself. You were out on a demon hunt, and I was at a blasted party. I should have b-been there w-with y-y-you." The Downworlder blubbered. "I-I could ha-have saved you," he practically wailed.

"But I made my choice. It was the wrong one, and I will forever blame myself. Even though you would be yelling at me right now, Alec, I cannot help but feel to blame."

_Hey Lucy (__Alec), I remembered your birthday  
>They said it'd bring some closure to say your name<br>I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance  
>But all I got are these roses to give<br>And they can't help me make amends_

"I can recall the first birthday of yours since what happened," Magnus changed topics. "Isabelle invited me over to the Institute. I did not want to go. It would have been far too painful, I thought. I was right; it was painful. But I owed it to your sister to make an appearance. Before that time, she tried to call two weeks after…" he trailed, not wanting to mention it. "But I refused to answer the phone. I could not.

"Eventually, though, I had to. She would not stop calling after that. Every day, or two, depending, she would call and leave messages on my machine. The first time I talked to her, Isabelle asked how I was holding up. I asked her 'How does it seem like I am doing?' I figured the ignoring her as a sign to my mood."

Magnus laughed slightly at the next thought. "'I'm not a mind reader, Magnus, especially from this far away,' she said. Every time after that, I would answer or I would even call her. I did not want to admit it, but she needed someone more than I did. She lost more than I did.

"So she invited me to the Institute in your memory. I declined ferociously. But your sister is a talented persuader. I went. Isabelle greeted me with a ginormous hug and we shared a moment of silence. Out back, where we held this shindig, were your parents, Clary, and Simon. Maryse actually embraced me, but she did not stay long. For that, I do not blame her. Simon held Isabelle's hand. He tried to console Clary, but she sat in the patio seat as stiff as a stone with light tear tracks already wetting her rosy cheeks.

"She lost her boyfriend, as well, that night. I did not find it rude that she did not participate in any small talk whatsoever. It was hard on us all.

"I accidentally came across a story of you and I that I started to tell, but I could not bring myself to finish once I realized what I was about to say.

"'Magnus,' Isabelle stroked my hand, 'it's all right. Just tell me. You can say his name.' No, I wanted to tell her. I could not talk about you, even if it was your birthday. 'Make amends,' she offered. I wanted to scream at her, demand if she made amends with yours and Jace's deaths while she was the only one to survive that attack. But I stopped myself. That would have been an exceptionally low blow. That, and I did not want her to bring up what I was doing while you bled out on the dirty concrete."

Magnus wiped away his tears after speaking to the ground, hoping that Alec would be able to hear at least a whisper of his voice.

"If I could, I would have saved you. But, I realize even if I got there sooner, there are just no cures for that much poison and that many claw tracks." _And all the piercings your body had to endure…_

"But I can only offer my forever beating heart, for you. And these stupid roses." Magnus wondered why he did not buy more manly flowers. Alec epitomized manly. He loved combat, getting dirty, working with his hands, and getting sweaty. "I'm sorry if they aren't enough." _They aren't for me._ No gift he could leave would be able to fix this.

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her (__him)  
>I'd give up all the world to see<br>That little piece of Heaven looking back at me_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold__ her (him)  
>I've gotta live with the choices I made<br>And I can't live with myself today_

Magnus went quiet for a few minutes, partially not knowing what to say and partially trying to mask his pain.

"You were—are—my Heaven, Alec," Magnus began. "We argued in the past about all my past endeavors, and I have told you that nobody _ever_ made me feel what you made me feel. It was true. I love you so much. You gave me something to live for. Before you came into my life, I was a train-wreck ready to de-rail. But you, you kept me there. You kept me safe, and you didn't even know it.

"I ask that you do not find that loving me was a mistake. I ask that you do not regret everything that we had. I could not live with myself if you thought that."

Magnus bit his lip hard, held his knees into his chest, and rocked back and forth slightly. He knew he was not the best boyfriend one could ask for. He was blunt, harsh, demanding, egotistical, and a definite pain in the ass.

The warlock thought he had more time to make up for all of that. But the glaring sun laughed and spit in his face.

"I'm sorry, Alec. I'm sorry if I didn't always make you happy. I'm sorry if I wasn't the most compassionate or understanding. I'm so, so sorry."

There, Magnus sat for over an hour. He cried into the palms of his hands until he had nothing left to cry. He apologized until his voice was raspy from overuse. But, now it was time to go.

"I will see you soon, my darling."

He pushed himself up off the grass and wiped away the dirt from his skinny jeans. He did not know where he was headed next, but he knew he could not stay here.

_Here we are, now you're in my arms  
>I never wanted anything so bad<br>Here we are for a brand new start  
>Living the life that we could've had<em>

_Me and__ Lucy (__Alec) walking hand in hand  
>Me and Lucy (<em>_Alec) never wanna end  
>Just another moment in your eyes<em>_  
><em>_I'll see you in another life in Heaven  
>Where we never say goodbye<em>_  
><em>

Magnus approached the door to his loft. Not caring, he magically opened it, swinging his hand and the wood opening on command.

He fed Chairman Meow and fell into his bed. Frankly, he was exhausted. All his energy was drained from his emotional visit with Alec.

The phone rang, and he did not even hear it. If he did, he would have been inclined to answer.

But he did not. Magnus wrapped his sheet around his slim body and closed his eyes.

_.—._

"_Catch me if you can!" Alec challenged. He figured he would be safe. The Shadowhunter took off in a sprint._

_Magnus smiled. He was the victor in just about everything, even if he had to use his magical advantages. But this time, he wasn't going to do that. He ran after Alec._

_Since he was far enough ahead, Alec stopped running for a brief moment and picked up a heaping handful of snow, rounded it into the perfect sphere, and launched it at Magnus before resuming his running._

_The freezing snow hit Magnus right in the forehead; he didn't think it would actually hit him. "If that's the way you want it!" Magnus shouted ahead. He grabbed the white powder and launched, not caring what shape it was in, just as long as it hit Alec. _

_The boy did a decent job at escaping the snowballs. But every time he looked back to see where it was going to hit, it just slowed him down. So, he decided just to let them hit him._

_While Alec worked hard at gaining back his distance, Magnus pushed himself hard to close it. Soon, Magnus stopped pelting Alec with snow and leapt, arms open. He wrapped his long arms around the boy and they fell into the snow mound together laughing._

_Magnus was on top; Alec's back pressed into the icy precipitation. "I got you," Magnus grinned._

"_Yes," Alec agreed. "But did you have to make it so I'm freezing to death?" His nose was turning redder by the second._

_Magnus took off a glove and stoked Alec's cold cheek with his warm, bare hand. The warlock leaned into the Shadowhunter and kissed his lips gently. Alec deepened the kiss, his tongue begging for entrance. Magnus was happy to oblige, opening his mouth to his lover. His bare hand found its way under Alec's beanie cap and his fingers tangled in damp, dark hair. Alec moaned, and whimpered slightly when Magnus pulled away from his lips. "Mmm," he moaned back. "You are definitely _not_ freezing."_

"_I am so," Alec tried to argue. _

"_Fine," Magnus said as he pushed himself off of Alec. _

_Alec raised his head, wanting to ask where on earth he was going. But then Magnus offered the boy his hand, which was gladly taken. Magnus pulled him up, wrapped his arm around Alec's shoulder, and led him into their home._

_Alec leaned into the tall warlock. "I love you, Magnus."_

_Magnus locked his exotic eyes into Alec's beautiful blue ones. "I love you, too, Alexander."_

"_I don't want this to end," Alec admitted. _

"_It doesn't have to," Magnus countered. "You could always stay here."_

"_I could," Alec pondered for a moment. "But I need to get back to the Institute. Mom and Dad will be there tonight, and I need to grab more of my stuff, anyhow."_

_Magnus was going to offer to just snap Alec's belongings to his place, but he could not keep his Nephilim away from his parents, which is rarely seen in the first place. Magnus simply pouted. _

_Alec kissed Magnus' cheek suddenly. "Don't worry, babe. I'm coming back tonight. This isn't goodbye."_

_.—. _

Magnus woke up crying. He remembered that day. It was a perfect, snowy wonderland of bliss. _This isn't goodbye._ The warlock was scarred with those words. If only Alec knew…

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold __her__ (him)  
>I'd give up all the world to see<br>That little piece of Heaven looking back at me_

_Now that it's over, I just wanna hold __her (__him)  
>I've gotta live with the choices I made<br>And I can't live with myself today_

He could almost feel the phantom of the memory dream. He could almost feel Alec in his arms, lying in the snow, kissing him passionately, promising they were going to be spending the night together. Many more, actually. Alec had slowly been moving into Magnus' Brooklyn flat.

Even now, almost everything that belonged to Alec, Magnus had in his place. Maryse had thrown an utter fit, once she realized what Alec had done. She blatantly demanded Magnus for her son's belongings back. Oh, how he wanted to break her in two just for thinking that was a possibility.

Isabelle had been the one to get her mother to step down. She told the woman that Alec's things were exactly that—Alec's. And he obviously wanted them to be with Magnus. Of course, Alec wanted to be there, too, but fate was one sinister bitch. Isabelle told Maryse that Alec had not been fully living there for a long time, and everything that was his basically belonged to Magnus. The elder female Lightwood was about to flip her lid, but she backed off.

Good, too. He figured they were now his possessions, anyhow, for the same reasons Isabelle told her mother. Alec was _his_, lived with _him_, wanted to always come home to _him_. This was a selfish thought to have. But Magnus was selfish, especially when it came to Alec.

Alec was his world, and it was hard to live without him, knowing full well that they would have had plenty of years left before Alec got old and sickly. Everything was so _hard_ these days. Especially living.

_Here we are, now you're in my arms  
>Here we are for a brand new start<br>I got to live with the choices I've made  
>And I can't live with myself today<em>

_Me and __Lucy__ (Alec) walking hand in hand  
>Me and <em>_Lucy__ (Alec) never wanna end  
>I've got to live with the choices I've made<br>And I can't live with myself today_

He tried. So hard. He just wanted to numb the pain. But he could not. Not with everyone passing him on the streets, couples hand in hand. They spat on him, without them even knowing they were doing it.

He searched for an end. That was all he wanted if he could not have Alec. He was a coward, he could say that fully.

But he could also say he lived a long life, and it was fun, for the most part. It was just _too_ long. And he decided that he was wearing out his welcome on this place.

That was how Isabelle found him, hunched over a book in his flat.

She rang the bell for awhile, she heard him in there, but he was not coming out or letting her in. So she took it upon herself to let herself in.

"Magnus," she spoke, breaking silence.

He looked up then, covering the words in a book she had never seen before. "Isabelle. What are you doing here?"

"I-I came to check on you."

"I do not need a babysitter," Magnus stated.

Isabelle walked around the living room. Alec had been six feet under for quite some time, but she still sensed him here. It only made sense that he was. He was happiest here than anywhere else.

Pictures scattered the surfaces of tables, adorned in frames. They were all of Alec and him, mostly. Others were of the rest of the Lightwoods, mainly for Alec, she assumed.

"I know. But I missed you," the girl admitted.

"Isabelle…" Magnus said. "I missed you, too."

"You probably don't want me here, but I just got a bad feeling and I needed to make sure you were okay," Isabelle stated.

Magnus was not sure how she knew, but he was planning on doing something stupid. "I have never been okay. Not in a long time." Once he realized how selfish that sounded, he opened his mouth to fix it.

The last Lightwood child raised her hand to stop him. "I know what you are going to say. You don't have to. I don't want pity for losing all my brothers, blood and adopted. I don't want to hear it. I just want company." Isabelle almost cried. "I want to talk about Alec." She waited for a response.

Magnus sucked in his breath. "What about him?"

"You knew him best. Tell me what he was like with you. I figure he was a different person, a more open person…Please."

"He was who he was. Alec was the same with me as he was with you. He was sweet, kind, gentle, fierce, determined, shy, loving, considerate…" He paused, no longer able to continue.

"Thank you," she breathed.

"What for?" Magnus scoffed.

"I feel like I never really spent time with them, Alec and Jace. And I lost them both in one night. I don't understand why the demons fully attacked them, killed them, made them suffer, and not me." She started to cry. "I just want them back. I want someone to be there for me, like Alec was. He was my rock. Jace was my entertainment. I don't know how to live without them. The only reason I made it through Max's death was because Alec was there. Now I have no one. Not even Clary. She won't talk anymore. She stopped coming over, stopped her Shadowhunter training. I never see her anymore. I just…I'm just glad to hear that Alec was happy. I mean, I already knew."

Magnus sat there, contemplating Izzy's words. The constant reminder of Alec's death in her whole speech stabbed his heart. It was just a reminder of what he wanted to do.

"Isabelle. I wish I could say that it will get easier, and everything happens for a reason, and they're better off. If I did, I would be a liar and a hypocrite."

Isabelle studied the warlock and gave him quizzical eyes, dark, unlike her brothers.

"How can I tell you that it will get easier when I am still in constant pain over Alec's death? Why should I say everything happens for a reason when I know that it was not supposed to end this way? How can I even think that they're better off when Jace belongs here, spreading his egotistical wit and humor, and Alec should be here with me, spreading his compassionate heart and charm? The truth is I cannot." Magnus' breathing hitched. His finger was still holding his place in the book he had opened before Izzy came to greet him.

Isabelle finally asked, "What are you reading?"

Magnus glanced down. "Oh, just a spell book." He waved it off casually.

"Is that page important?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

He almost spit it out. Almost. "That is not relevant to you."

She was quiet, pondering. "What are your intentions?"

There, she had to think it. "Nothing."

"Liar," she hounded. "Magnus, tell me."

He huffed. It wasn't something easily expressed. "Do you find me cowardly?"

"No," Isabelle said instantly.

"Well, I do. I am sick of this. Sick of the pain. I've decided to be done with it all, and this will help me do just that," he explained.

"Are you," Isabelle tried to ask, but she was in disbelief. "Are you planning to commit suicide?"

"It sounds more horrible than it actually is."

"Magnus…Magnus, you can't!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Please," he begged. "Let me do this. I've lived far too long. And without Alec, it just doesn't seem worth it. Don't talk me out of this. I will never move on, I will never love anyone like I do your brother."

Isabelle caught the present tense he used.

"Just, please do me a favor so I know it's taken care of…"

"What, Magnus?" she swallowed.

"Take Chairman Meow? I cannot bear to know he isn't taken care of and spoiled in my absence."

The girl stared into Magnus' eyes. She knew she could not change his mind. "O-of course."

"And find a home for all of Alec's things? Do what you want with mine. Toss it, for all I care. Just be gentle with his," Magnus pleaded.

"I will," Izzy swallowed hard.

"Thank you."

Isabelle hated herself for not even trying to help her friend and used to be potential brother-in-law. She wouldn't be able to tell Magnus that Alec planned on proposing to him. She just couldn't.

.*.

Shortly, Isabelle left the house with Chairman Meow in her arms. She would be back within the next couple of days to start cleaning out the flat. She just could not leave the cat there unattended with an unresponsive Magnus.

.*.

Magnus allowed himself to dream one last time.

.—.

_He awoke with Alec sleeping in his arms, who was already awake. He simply stayed there so he wouldn't have to wake up Magnus._

_He kissed Magnus' cheek. "Good morning."_

_"Good morning to you, too, lover." The warlock grinned. _

_Alec cuddled into Magnus' warm, loving embrace. "This is perfect," he mumbled._

_"Mhm, indeed," Magnus had to agree. "But we should do something today."_

_"Like..?"_

_"Walk through Central Park, do some amazing shopping," Magnus listed. _

_"Shopping? Eh, no." Alec stated. _

_"Fine," Magnus pretended to pout. "But we _are _going to be taking that romantic stroll through the park, yes?"_

_"Of course."_

_.~*~._

_Magnus, dressed in white skinny jeans, black V-neck T-shirt, and a pink jacket walked hand in hand with Alec, who adorned dark wash jeans, blue T-shirt and a black jacket. _

_People had stared, sure. But Alec had not worried about that in a long time. Let them. _

_They took a slow walk through the park, and ended up relaxing there most of the day on a blanket Magnus snapped into existence, earning a scolding from Alec. But the Shadowhunter didn't really mind. Nobody was looking. _

_They lay on the blanket in the shade of a tree, watching clouds pass and tall buildings sway. Magnus hugged Alec to his chest and started to unexpectedly (to Alec) kiss him. Alec obliged. _

_"I love you." _

.—.

_Hey __Lucy__ (Alec), I remember your name_

Slowly, Magnus began to read the old script. He spilled his blood like the spell said. He complied with every demand the page told him.

It would be over soon.

Magnus stumbled into his room and lay on the bed, at least wanting to be comfortable in his final moments on earth. It was long overdue, anyhow.

He closed his eyes for the last time, only thinking about Alec, and how his broken heart won't matter where his next stop would be.


End file.
